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Earlier this year, I posted an Instagram story with a question box to have some Q&A sessions. I let people talk to me and ask me anything about life after marriage. I expect to discuss the big question of “What change after being married to someone?”. The conversation mostly goes to careers, future studies and long-distance marriage. WHICH (unfortunately) I was kind-of/already-have experience on those topics. It makes me the right person to talk about those things, isn’t it? Hahaha.
We mainly discuss how can I pursue my master degree abroad which far away in London, while my husband stays in Indonesia. That one topic triggers all the confusion about,
- Why would you leave your husband for your master degree in London?
- How could he (the husband) allow you to do that?
- How you persuade him to allow you? HAHAHAHA.
- Why then you get married first to be in a long-distance marriage? Why didn’t you do your school first and get married after finishing your master?
- How could you guys after being married for just a month, then being separated for a year?
- How (the hell) you guys live with the LDM situation?
- Anyway, don’t you have a good settle permanent work before? Why would you leave your career for a master degree?
- How you get the scholarship and the universities offer while juggling with works back then?
- Are you planning to go back to your old job?
- And the questions aren’t stopping at ten. The list goes on…
BUT, I’m not planning to answer all of that questions here.
((HAHAHA what a waste Della why you are typing and making me read all of that?!))
Well, if you would like to re-read the conversation in my Instagram highlight here. CHEERS.
And I will continue to tell you why I made this post. Hahaha.
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The Q&A sessions lead to similar questions from some strangers that asked me “Don’t you have fears about the idea of marriage and life after that? How you find yourself ready to say yes to his proposals? What kind of things you discuss before decide to get married?”. Kind of interesting topics, right? Hahaha.
Am I afraid of marriage? Well not really.
But do I have fears? Hell yes.
All those years I’ve been living with my parents and siblings, with our own family rules. And I’m preparing myself to start my own family, which I know there will be a lot of differences. Start from a simple habitual difference like how we usually eat or sleep, then different opinions about financial or political interest, and it gets more complex if we decide to have the baby and all parenting decisions. Hell yes, it is a lot to give and take.
So, how to deal with all of that stuff? Well, I don’t have the exact answer for you. But I can give you a bit of tip. Back then, way before we tied the knot but we both already agree to bring this relationship to the serious one, we discuss. Yes, we discuss, we talk, we ask, we answer. And to make the discussion stays on its track (not drawn by uncontrolled emotion), we build a tool.
It begins with a simple google search of “questions before getting married”, and we found a hundred list of questions of what to ask your potential spouse. Then we start. We prepare a simple excel file, create tables for question and answer, put preferred questions to be asked. Both of us drop all the questions we want to ask.
The moment we put questions, we know it demands an answer from both sides. Then I and my boyfriend-then-husband fill up those answers separately. This file is simply a tool for both of us, to be honest, to give us time to answer, so we could throw all of the opinions and arguments. Also, we were in a long-distance relationship at that moment, so this process really helps to skip long hours of non-ending phone calls debate. We can ask anything we want to know from each other, and we can answer truthfully from our heart and mind.
Then, after both of us finished with all of the answers, we exchanged. We put both answers in one file and give ourselves time to read and compare all of the answers. And when we finally ready to discuss anything about that file, whether any follow-up questions or arguments, we discuss it. We discussed it effectively. We knew what we already know, and what left to be asked. We knew what to discuss. We knew what topics that have the same opinions or clash arguments. We knew which one needs to be discussed further.
Oh man, it really helps. We both know that I usually burst into tears if I talked about sensitive topics like family, or he usually gets so bored with a lame discussion about ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. So, we cut the steps. We put anything we want to know in those questions and answers, read each other honest opinions, and ensure every topic covered.
That’s all. With simple excel tables, the conversation about family, finance, faith, futures, and anything, done, in an efficient manner.
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So, after I told a bit about my own tool as it becomes a bit of a solution for solid discussions before marrying your loved one, people ask me to share the file. And since I’m a good kid, I shared. Of course, without my answers in it, and the questions I had before was made for me and my husband. So, you could use it as per your needs. If you find the questions related to you the use it, if not then just delete it, and if you want to ask other things just put it through. It could be your file with your own style. I just want to share the idea of this tool.
As per everyone request, click this link. It directed to my google drive and you can download the excel file. Yes, I made this post because people keep haunt me by asking “Can I have the file? Where is that?”. I put that link in my Instagram bio after the Q&A sessions, but after two weeks I change it because I think people already forget. Turns out I’m wrong, I still receiving direct messages related to this excel file every day. Lol. Here you go then! Hope it helps!
Thank me later,
Adelia Budiarto.
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