“Is there any of your friends ever got jealous on you because you are young, active, kind, pretty, smart, got a lot of achievements, and every other good thing on you?” Asked by a man, a young-psychology-lecturer, black hair, sort of thin for maybe 30 years something, wore a white shirt, and glasses on his eyes who keeps looking to me without any wink at all in the latest fifteen minutes, as far as I observe. Well, a unique question, there is a part of it which praise me, embellish me, but somehow in an intimidating way.
It was an early morning for an interview, I got my schedule for the final interview on 20 September 2017 at 8 o’clock in the morning. Everything works pretty well. I came to the venue half an hour before my schedule, I ate bread and drunk milk that I bought in minimarket at the KRL station. I talked to other participants before the selection committee opened the gate. Talking to them was more than enough, it is either add some information that I need for my interview or decrease all of my confidence because they are much more overconfidence. Then I talked not much, better I smile, train myself, and pray before my name called.
Before I could sit here waiting for my name called by the committee, there was a long short story back then. If I may start the story with the first time I dreamed of this, oh, I should go back to four years ago, the very first time I heard about this scholarship. There was a one-day event held by my faculty organization board about a scholarship, and they asked me to be a moderator for the talk show. The speakers are my faculty seniors who got the scholarship to take master degree abroad, funded with the well-known government scholarship. I heard a lot about this scholarship before, but by this time everything just become much more closer, it was like “Oh! My seniors are getting this! It was close to me!”. Since that, I believe if I could be one of the awardees, just like my cool seniors did.
But it would be too long if should tell the story starting from that day. Simply since that moment, I wrote that this scholarship as one of my targets to fund me to get my master degree. Also, from that moment, I could not stop learning things. I could not stop to just finish my bachelor degree in a usual way. I love my field of study, then I scored highest GPA in my major. I love how leadership and problem-solving skills work, then I joined organisations and communities to make things better, or at least make things work. I love to talk in public and speak up about my concerns, then I joined competitions and conferences, you see me won too. I just in love with all of the hustle bustle of hard work. You could say I am an insecure over-achiever. Well, yes I am. Yes, I was. And yes, that feeling what makes me like I am today.
It is full of efforts, hard works, tears, and prayers until the professor could say I am young, active, kind, pretty, smart, and others. Do you believe me?
He could say I am young, I was nineteen on that day, which maybe the youngest on the selection process. How come? Because as you remember I spent schools in four years while other need six years. Is it nice in acceleration program? Oh well, it is nice, but it needs a lot of energy to finish. He could say I am active and got a lot of achievements, because as you remember I joined organisations, competitions, and it needs allocation of time, energy, and hard works to make it work. Then, he could say I am kind, like, how could he know? Because I did social movements and joined communities? Well, I did, but if I should measure do I kind enough or not, I can’t. He could say I am pretty, but why? Because I won tourism ambassador competition back then? Even so, it is simply my obligation as a woman to look nice and neat. And I really grateful that I got this kinda pretty face from Allah, it should not be a problem for anyone, right? Then he could also be said I am smart, how come? Because as you remember, I scored 3.99 for my bachelor degree GPA. Is that easy to get that? Oh hell no.
You, just saw what I serve you to be seen.
You saw the good things, because I frame the good things.
You saw me smile and laugh, because I do not post a picture of cry and sick.
Everything was not working well back there, shit happens sometimes. I remember my struggle of understanding accounting while I am a science student in high school. I remember my very first day of trying to engage in student organisation while you know I am an acceleration student during junior and high school, without any organisation experiences. I remember my effort of understanding the international policy and build my public speaking skills during MUN. I remember my tears and sadness in the middle of the night, asking questions to myself “how could I be good enough?” or “how could I at least better than he/she?”. I remember those days I was full of insecurities looking at other people’s achievements. I remember the time I could not be grateful for what I am, what I had done, and what actually Allah has filled my life.
If people experienced a quarter-life crisis, said The Muse as ‘a period of intense soul-searching and stress occurring in your mid-20s to early 30s’, well I felt that one too. Even some people said that my life is already that wonderful through all of my achievements, well there are others who have a much-much-more-wonderful life. And I know that kind of person. I know him/her well and I felt that kind of glass cracking inside my body when I know they scored something while I’m just sitting around. If people feel their quarter-life crisis because had a feeling of you’re not achieving your full potential or are falling behind by seeing other people succeed, then you think I am not experienced the same feeling?
I have been there.
The more people I know, the more comparison I made to them, the more expectations I set to myself.
It seems like it has been three years of me having that feeling. Starting at the end of 2015 until the early of this year. It starts when I join MUN, scholarships, competitions, conferences, I get to know to many people, then everything gets much more complicated. I became that insecure over-achiever, I am. There are the feelings of unstoppable to do other things, to not stop doing something, moreover when others doing it better. I should do A, should join B, should make C. And it does not stop.
This feeling is getting lesser when I was in my last semester in college, where I only focus on two things: internship and thesis. Things get simpler. But then, I finish the thesis, finish an internship, prepare my application for master degree, starting my first day of work, applying in other companies, process selection of other works, got rejected, try another dream-job-selection, still work overtime for audit, prepare IELTS, work again, and bla bla bla. Actually, myself never lose that feeling. I questioning myself to many things, again. I feel less, again.
I sometimes questioning myself of what is actually wrong with me, am I think too much about what people think while maybe actually they do not, and whether maybe I less close to Allah until I surrounded by this kind of feeling, am I?
Anyway, I am getting better by now actually. I’m serious. First, because I have a lot of work to do, so I have no time to looking for other people achievements then compare it to me. Even if I cried and sick, it is because deadlines of work, which I think healthier than crying because of someone else’s achievement. Second, because I was getting pretty busy with work, the only other thing I do beside sleep and eat, is contacting closest people to me, which is mama, papa, siblings, and closest friends. Communicating with my closest people is just keep me in a positive aura, because I know I have to do good work here, to stay healthy and safe, so they won’t get worried of me, and we can keep telling stories to other and support each other. It is much more healthier than scrolling down Instagram, trust me. Third, because I keep reminding myself if I have Allah, I keep myself to be grateful for what Allah has give or not give to me, and to believe that Allah’s plan is better than mine, than anyone else. I realize I am not that sholehah as other woman, so what I am doing now is stop doing bad things, fixing the broken one, and keep doing what Allah’s ask us to do.
Simply, I’m trying to live simpler.
Living by doing normal activities, working, communicating with the love ones, and praying. But still, I still have my own dreams and plans, which, I should not compare it to others. I just should to keep working to make it real. And now I realise if this competition won’t end soon, not gonna stop now, tomorrow, or the next next morning. Just because, actually I do not compete with others, nobody try to fight me, I just compete with myself who always have feeling of being less.
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“Well, as long as I remember, I do not know of having friends who have that kind of feeling to me. There are friends of me who questioning how to be that someone who smart, young, kind, pretty, as per you say, to me. They asked me how. They ask how to do that and this, how to be here and there, they asked me, and I answered them. I count them as not someone who jealous for what I am and I become, they are asking me because they know if they have the same chances as me. Well, even they do not know that, I know, and I was there to answer their questions and support them. But if, if, there are other people who do jealous on me, I do not know, because I never heard that. It may because they are not saying it out loud and because I just do not care about that.”
His question does not stop on he is asking a question to me. It goes much deeper as me questioning myself. I do not mean to do not care for others, but tell me, how could I have cared for you if you are not showing yourself to me? If you are not talking to me, how can I know? I have myself, my friends, and if it more than enough, why do I need someone who just put jealousy on me? Sometimes I need to take care of myself. I try to do good things -including my academic, my achievements, my work, and everything I did without any intention to do the bad thing- for myself, parents, friends, and family. And if I did something wrong, I believe those people will tell me first about what I did. It is more than enough. Moreover, actually, all of that already too much and filled my head. Then, why should I listen again to other if there are no good intention on it?
‘Self-care is never a selfish act. It is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch. Relational trust is built on movements of the human heart such as empathy, commitment, compassion, patience, and the capacity to forgive.’
There I learn, learn how to hold my identity together, to embrace the opposite truths that my sense of self is deeply dependent on others dancing with me, and that I still have a sense of self when no one wants to dance.
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An opening story,
Adelia Budiarto
Thank you, Mbak Della! Aku jadi belajaar banyak.
ReplyDeleteTerima kasih kembali, Shevvv!
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